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Comments by: YACCS

Wednesday, February 25, 2004 + So much better now +

I'm feeling much better, thanks to the concern and care that all my lovely friends have shown me. Thank you guys, for reminding me why we became friends and what friends are for.

I've been pretty worn out from choir and school. Even when I get enough sleep, I still get so tired at the end of the day and don't have the energy to do anything else apart from resting. I must say that these past few weeks or so have really pushed me beyond my usual limit - of patience, of strength, of tolerance, of endurance. And I must say that on reflection I'm thankful for all these things, for all the people who were nasty to me - intentionally or not, for all the problems I encountered. They serve as a reminder of just how strong we can be. Many of the times when we fear or despair it's because of limits that we've placed upon ourselves. And this is one lesson I can't seem to learn enough.

I want to thank 3 people in particular. First, my dear friend Debbie - I was whining to Debbie about my problems in school on Sunday and she reminded me of something so fundamental and yet so easily forgotten in the heat of the moment. That - whether you are religious or if you believe it or not - there's a purpose and reason for everything that happens in our lives, and faith doesn't come from thin air. My status as a Catholic and a Christian remains in constant uncertainty as my Christian friends would know. But I do still believe that there's a purpose and a meaning to life. It's just seeing the bigger picture that's difficult at times.

Zain - thank you for believeing in me still. It was good to see you and speak with you again, it reminded me that I have friends who truly care about me and are willing to accept me as I am, faults and idiosyncracies intact.

Tom - Where do I even begin? :) I don't even have to say much - I know you'll know, and you know I'll know. :)

In spite of being quite worn out already I'm truly looking forward to the concert this Saturday. Those of you who are going - I sincerely hope you'll enjoy yourselves there. It's not going to be perfect, no concert ever is. But I hope that in pursuit of perfection we'll touch you in one way or another. And whether for good or for ill, every experience (aesthetic or otherwise) enriches us. And if we manage to do just that this Saturday evening, I'll be perfectly satisfied. :)

I still have no idea if school is going to let me go to Italy in July. By hook or by crook, even if it means using up all my no-pay-leave and sacrificing my year end bonus, I'm going. Money can be made. But an experience like this, once missed, may never come your way ever again. I want to go, no matter what it takes.

Okay, I really need to go and spend some time going through my choir scores. In spite of all the practices I still don't feel confident. I'd better do something about it while I still can.

glittermissy @ 1:20 PM + + Permalink

Saturday, February 21, 2004 + Backup to life +

At a time like this, words that a very dear friend of mine once said come back to me like the echo of a whisper almost forgotten."Be one of the good guys, for there are far too many bad ones out there." When he adds that the good always finish last I try to convince him otherwise. But how do I convince myself?

When I first joined this college as a teacher I felt really happy, being back in the college brought back so many happy memories. The teachers all seemed so nice and warm, especially my department. They were both so willing to help me learn as I struggled to pick up the ropes and adapt to life here. I liked the students and they seemed to like me - at least they were nice to me and responded positively. It felt like I'd landed my dream school and position as a teacher and life was beautiful.

After Mr Sim left I tried my best to keep things going the way they had been. If I wanted changes to be made, I made them in the new year - this year - instead which I thought was better for continuity. But somehow reality crept in and college isn't as wonderful as it first appeared. When Mr Sim was around he was very patient with me. He tried his best to explain everything I didn't understand, to warn me of things I had to keep an eye out for, ways to improve my classes. He made sure I was comfortable and even said to me once, "You know you have to keep things in perspective. You're taking over now, you need to make decisions based on what you believe and not continue to do what I've done or teach what I've taught. You have to decide what works for you and what you believe the students need to learn." I felt a profound sense of respect for him upon hearing those words. He was someone who would let me reason things out and would give me the room to stumble from uncertainty but always confident I could and would get up again.

After he left this sense of mutual respect and maturity seemed to vanish. Without being too specific, the way things are because of the way people are is the main source of my unhappiness. I think if this weren't a problem, many of the things in school that happen wouldn't bother me as much as they do.

But I really don't understand her. What I do know about her is that she can be very impatient and isn't the best of listeners. I'd try to offer my opinion but without really understanding what I'm talking about or even knowing to what I'm referring, she'd just brush it off and follow her own opinion. At times she makes me feel like a spare tyre - especially the way she runs off to join her good friends leaving me standing there like I'm inconsequential and I don't exist. "I've got my friends now, you can jolly well go find your own and not stick to me." She works independently and doesn't tell me much. And when others ask me about the event coming up and I don't know the details, they say something to the effect of "oh you don't know much, I'll just ask her instead." Umm okay sure fine go ahead, after all how much does an inexperienced newbie know? Not much, right?

Sometimes however she can be nice - often reminding me of deadlines to meet, things that need to be done. When she's in the mood to be patient with me or to remember that hey I exist too and I'm human as well and I deserve some measure of respect even though she's senior to me - when she's nice to me, it's a good day in school. Otherwise I just start and end the day feeling like I'm not involved, I'm not needed, I don't know anything and I'm not worth your time of day.

Why do I let myself get beat up over this time and time again? Am I the real fool here in letting myself get treated this way? Sometimes I ask myself why I bother being the good guy all the time, giving people the benefit of the doubt only to get hurt in return. I feel like I'm sinking into depression and John's just about the only thing keeping me sane and afloat. No matter how I try to think and rethink things, I always end up with the same conclusion. The problem must lie in me, for people to treat me this way. I don't like to push my way into people's lives just to feel included. Maybe it's my own fault for worrying that I'm imposing on people when I'm not at all.

But then, who am I? Why am I the one people turn to when they can't find anyone else? Why am I the spare, the backup, to all my friends? Is it because I treat them like spares too? At a time like this when I'm sunk this far into depression, I'm just thankful that I'm sane enough to recognize how much John means to me and how he's just about the only thing I have left.

glittermissy @ 8:31 AM + + Permalink

Wednesday, February 18, 2004 + Petulance +

I might not be able to go with the choir to the competition in Italy this July after all. How? How? HOW???

I feel like a petulant student once more. School sucks.

glittermissy @ 9:02 AM + + Permalink

Wednesday, February 11, 2004 + Writers' Block +

Today is a looong day for me. I have choir tonight - John was so sweet in offering to pick me up after so I won't get back so late. :)

I don't know why I've been so emotional lately and get so easily affected by things that happen around me. I think it's PMS again. The Hormone Strikes Back? That's so corny I can't believe I even thought of that. :P

I received my birthday + Valentine's day present from John in advance. :D Now I just need the time to go and enjoy it........... :P It's something I've wanted for a long, long time and now it's finally mine! Muahahahaha....

These days I seem to be walking around in a daze. After school I'm usually too tired to think about much, and the weekends are usually over so quickly I've hardly had time to catch my breath. I feel like I'm just passing through life without absorbing much, learning much nor being affected by very much (except an irate OM). It scares me, being as detached as I've been. I always try to be someone who reads between the lines, who takes more away from experiences than just the banal and the obvious. But of late I've failed miserably. Is it the system, that turns us all into digits slowly without us even realizing it? Or is it my fault for being so easily absorbed into the system?

I suppose that is why I feel like I don't have much to say nowadays. Maybe I'm overanalyzing things again and it's just writers' block.

glittermissy @ 10:38 AM + + Permalink

Tuesday, February 10, 2004 + Thank you :D +

Just a quick post to thank all of you for the concern you've shown me. I'm really feeling much better. My HOD spoke to me about the run-ins I've had with the OM and she's shown that she's on my side and once I'm used to what he's like, it won't bother me anymore. :)

I've had 2 very strange dreams the past 2 nights and it's made me think. I don't know what to make of them both but I guess, most of you would say they're only dreams and probably don't mean anything.

I beg to differ, but that's just me. :)

Okay, I really need to get some work done. I'll write again soon. Thanks again for your encouragement. :) It means a lot to me.

glittermissy @ 10:52 AM + + Permalink

Monday, February 09, 2004 + Denying the truth +

I'm going to have a meeting with my HOD soon regarding some school matters - amongst them is this thorny situation with our beloved OM.

I think I've been denying myself the truth that I'm actually quite unhappy in school at times. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's my oversensitivity that's really to blame. I let myself get affected by the things others say and how they treat me.

In school I'm not one who believes that dressing up, winning favour and gaining recognition are important. Ultimately our students are at the centre of everything we do, or at least they're supposed to be.

I like to talk to people and treat people with respect. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. It's upsetting when I get ordered around by those more senior than me. I know I'm younger and I lack experience but you don't have to keep rubbing it in my face. The least you could do is to ask me nicely like a fellow human being and not some lesser being who deserves only to be told off, who doesn't have feelings and opinions.

It's little wonder why some teachers get so jaded with the system after awhile. Maybe I can't criticise this person for being mean to me but to blame it on the system instead. But then, since we're all in the same boat, why can't we be nicer to each other instead of making life miserable for someone just because you're grumpy that it's Monday morning? Didn't we all have to wake up early to get to school on time?

In the past I've bared my heart to this person believing I've found an ally and a friend. But this person doesn't seem to want to be more understanding and patient towards me. John thinks it's this person's loss to treat me as such. I suppose he's right and I should try not to let it get to me - at the end of the day, it doesn't matter because I really don't know if I'll be here for long and when I leave our paths will probably never cross again. But whenever it happens it makes me unhappy anyway.

I guess we all get things we don't deserve in life and maybe I'm just whining like a spoilt brat. Who knows? I just feel so alone sometimes because there isn't anyone who can possibly truly understand how I feel.

glittermissy @ 8:23 AM + + Permalink

Friday, February 06, 2004 + Waiting not to change +

I just have to add a post regarding the OM of my school. He's such a dickhead it's freaking hilarious.

Here's the email I wrote to my HOD regarding my run-ins with him (and these are today only!). If I were to tell you all the times he's had a go at me over the past 2 weeks, it would take you an hour to read. At least.

The OM had a go at me again regarding two things:

i) A 'skinny girl wearing spectacles playing the double bass' (OM's words as reported to him by a servant) was found by one of the servants at 7pm last night (thursday) in the Beethoven Room on the 3rd floor. I'm very certain she isn't one of my Chamber Ensemble students. OM insists it's my student even though there isn't a single double bass that belongs to the chamber ensemble up in the room after their practice on Wednesday afternoon. (I'm not even sure if it really was a double bass that the servant saw - could have been another instrument?)

ii) He came into the recital room this afternoon, about 3.30pm. One of my yr 2 MEP boys was in there practicing (with my knowledge). OM told me off for letting him use the room as it was a waste of resources for 1 person to turn on 4 aircons and all the lights. OM also said that we teachers have been told countless times regarding use of resources and key movements (Not that I recall ever being told such instructions by him. I told him that I only came in last June and I don't recall being instructed on such matters by him). He went on to say that we teachers don't cooperate and give too much liberty to our students to use the rooms. He has to get permission from P and VP to use recital room whilst we give our students free reign to practice there. (But all along our music students have been allowed to use the recital room to practice....... Hmmm......) Lastly he said that so many students have been making duplicate keys (MEP and PDPs alike), implying it's my fault they've
done so and I'm not aware this has been going on right under my nose.

Anyhow he finally said ok he doesn't want to talk about this issue anymore.

Bah, I forgot to add, the OM actually said that if he could, he'd control the keys to the music block too, even to the teachers' room! (He said he controls the whole school and yet had to get the P or VP's permission regarding the music block. That must grate on his ego a fair bit! Which is probably why he's being such a bitch hahahahahaha!)

Let's not forget, he said those things to me (point no. 2) while my poor year 2 boy and another year 2 girl were standing there. I'm not one to care about 'face' or otherwise. What I really feel is sorry that they had to be witness to such ugliness in human nature and human behaviour.

It must be me then, I must give him (and probably others in school too) the impression that I'm a helpless bimbo who's young, new and inexperienced. I'm polite, give people the benefit of the doubt and am respectful of the opinions of others. It's probably too saintly for some people to handle. Or that I'm just putting on an act. Well they can believe whatever they want. What I believe is that taking things out on someone is merely a show of your own insecurity and weakness. If you were truly sure of yourself and confident of your abilities, picking on someone 'weaker' than you would be the last thing you would do. People do such things thinking it's a show of great power, but they're putting others down just so they feel good about themselves.

Maybe that's not a bad thing. If I really appear as incapable and as bimbotic and people seem to treat me, perhaps they'll not ask me ridiculous things. Like we all used to say during our time in JC - think smart, act blur. Sounds almost like a slacker's mantra. :P

Well, too bad. If I appear to be a helpless newbie who can be picked on, so be it. I'm not going to change a single thing about myself to fit into the system or to get ahead. If the system doesn't fit me, I'll take myself elsewhere and spare myself the pain. Just gotta wait for the right time to go.

glittermissy @ 4:08 PM + + Permalink

+ Quit and piss off +

To think that I was on MC from school yesterday, and this morning the first thing that happens to me when I come into school is to be told off for some student staying till 7pm last night in the Beethoven Room.

i) The servant wasn't even sure it was one of my students
ii) I wasn't even in school yesterday FOR FUCKING CRYING OUT LOUD!

Something else I'm unhappy about is that Debbie asked me over the weekend if I would be able to meet her this evening. I checked my diary - nothing on. So I agreed. Then on Tuesday when I get back to school my poor overworked Gamma captain tells me this Friday is the Intra-house road run and I gotta stay to lock the main gate of the school after the event.

i) Even if I were free - is it part of my duty to stay till 7-8pm just so there's a teacher to lock the gate?
ii) I don't happen to live nearby. So it's just the school's luck that John does.
iii) I happen to have a life outside of school and I want to keep it that way.

Other things have been happening (to my surprise, believe me) that has caused unhappiness too. It's mainly due to these reasons:

i) People expect certain standards from you but don't subscribe to them themselves.
ii) People aren't understanding enough to remember that I'm new and a lot of the things that I'm doing - I'm doing for the 1st time. And there are bound to be mistakes. If you want things done perfectly, go employ a fucking robot instead and piss off.

Whatever. I'm too irate right now to think or write coherently. So what if the weekend is here? My life is sold to this system for the next 4.5 years or so and sometimes I still wonder if I did the right thing. Somehow or other I gotta get through it in one piece. And the way things have been going, I seriously doubt I'll be around for much longer after my bond ends. Quitter or stayer, isn't it obivous? Deal with it.

glittermissy @ 8:10 AM + + Permalink

Tuesday, February 03, 2004 + Jaded teacher of idealism +

Whooooo haven't updated in awhile. :)

The comments thing I've been using finally died for good. I'll look for another one soon.

After numerous public holidays (it's been quite a few, hasn't it?) I'm definately reluctant to go back to work. :P But then, it has been a swift 1 month into the new year and it's already week 5 of term. Only 5 more to go before the March vacation. Isnt' that scary? Sometimes I feel like my life is going to flash by before my very eyes and end before I know it. And at the end of the day I'll be left wondering, what have I done with my life??

The public holidays have been good. Maybe a little too good hehehe. :) Anyway I've been pretty happy (and tired!) the past few weeks, happier perhaps than I've been in a while. I think I've been feeling as if my relationship with John had gotten stuck in a rut for a little while - not entirely a bad thing since getting stuck in a good rut means we were happily stuck. But over the end of the year vacation and since he started his work attachment, we've been talking more about our plans for the future and how we really feel about things. Maybe we've had more time to talk and do stuff recently, compared to when he was staying in hall and too busy with Uni to even see me. But I think we've gotten much closer and that feels very nice. I think I've come to see him in a slightly different light, and maybe I appreciate some things about him that I didn't before. :)

Through all that I think I understand myself a little better too and I feel as if I'm starting to grow out of always being so passive and unassuming (i.e. easily taken advantage of because I'll just politely agree to disagree, instead of saying something like, "No, I think you're wrong so fuck off." LOL). Many of my friends tell me that I'm too self critical (due to many reasons) and I'm slowly learning to be more self loving. I used to think that people would like you better if you were more humble and sympathetic, but I suppose there's a very fine but very real line between being humble and being overly self-critical. I suppose having someone who seems to agree with everything that you say gets boring and irritating even.

I can't believe it's February already. Soo many things coming up in school, and for SYC too. We're having our 40th anniversary concert on the 28th of Feb at Esplanade. I know my students in SYO don't like SYC but that's not the point. I enjoy being there, people volunteer to sing there 'cos they enjoy it. For me, the experience of learning, sharing and making music together means much more to me than whether we're in tune or not, whether we tend to get flat, whether we achieve musical perfection. And anyway there's simply no such thing as musical perfection. Things can always be done better, or done differently. Hence - technical mastery aside - I feel that one performer or recording cannot be truly better than another, and it's really about who/what you relate to more, what holds meaning for you and what appeals to you more. And this is something I feel many people will never be able to understand, especially the classical music audience in Singapore.

Debbie and I once attended a 'Meet the artiste' cocktail party thing and we were both pretty put off by what we saw. It was a party for those who wanted to be seen, if you know what I mean. Amongst most who attended the cocktail, it seemed to be about which designer gown/suit you wore, what you do in life, who you know (and who knows you) and the size of your diamond jewellery. And of course, the 'fact' that 'I attend classical music concerts and I'm high class and cultured'. Bah humbug. I'm not going to go to another such cocktail party ever again. Making small talk for the sake of it and having others ask you what you do in life. GO AWAY. You don't need to know. I don't want to tell you. Don't try to discuss classical music with me just because you're high class and attend concerts. BUGGER OFF.

Lol. Aren't I in a good mood today? I honestly think music is not about all that. But the sad reality of life is that musicians need money to live too and too often being a musician isn't truly about music. It's about who the conductor and management favours and how much you're getting paid. It's about who your teacher was and which competition you won. It's about who you know, where you've been, where you've played at and what others have written about you. It's about every other juicy detail in your life BUT the music itself. Is it any wonder why I'm a jaded teacher?

But I just have to keep telling myself that while I cannot change the realities of life (*sighs theatrically*) I can cling to my ideals. :P

Okay time to stop. If this were an essay of my life, I'd fail miserably as it isn't only out of point. There isn't a point at all. :P But that's the point, isn't it?

glittermissy @ 11:06 AM + + Permalink