At a time like this, words that a very dear friend of mine once said come back to me like the echo of a whisper almost forgotten."Be one of the good guys, for there are far too many bad ones out there." When he adds that the good always finish last I try to convince him otherwise. But how do I convince myself?

When I first joined this college as a teacher I felt really happy, being back in the college brought back so many happy memories. The teachers all seemed so nice and warm, especially my department. They were both so willing to help me learn as I struggled to pick up the ropes and adapt to life here. I liked the students and they seemed to like me - at least they were nice to me and responded positively. It felt like I'd landed my dream school and position as a teacher and life was beautiful.

After Mr Sim left I tried my best to keep things going the way they had been. If I wanted changes to be made, I made them in the new year - this year - instead which I thought was better for continuity. But somehow reality crept in and college isn't as wonderful as it first appeared. When Mr Sim was around he was very patient with me. He tried his best to explain everything I didn't understand, to warn me of things I had to keep an eye out for, ways to improve my classes. He made sure I was comfortable and even said to me once, "You know you have to keep things in perspective. You're taking over now, you need to make decisions based on what you believe and not continue to do what I've done or teach what I've taught. You have to decide what works for you and what you believe the students need to learn." I felt a profound sense of respect for him upon hearing those words. He was someone who would let me reason things out and would give me the room to stumble from uncertainty but always confident I could and would get up again.

After he left this sense of mutual respect and maturity seemed to vanish. Without being too specific, the way things are because of the way people are is the main source of my unhappiness. I think if this weren't a problem, many of the things in school that happen wouldn't bother me as much as they do.

But I really don't understand her. What I do know about her is that she can be very impatient and isn't the best of listeners. I'd try to offer my opinion but without really understanding what I'm talking about or even knowing to what I'm referring, she'd just brush it off and follow her own opinion. At times she makes me feel like a spare tyre - especially the way she runs off to join her good friends leaving me standing there like I'm inconsequential and I don't exist. "I've got my friends now, you can jolly well go find your own and not stick to me." She works independently and doesn't tell me much. And when others ask me about the event coming up and I don't know the details, they say something to the effect of "oh you don't know much, I'll just ask her instead." Umm okay sure fine go ahead, after all how much does an inexperienced newbie know? Not much, right?

Sometimes however she can be nice - often reminding me of deadlines to meet, things that need to be done. When she's in the mood to be patient with me or to remember that hey I exist too and I'm human as well and I deserve some measure of respect even though she's senior to me - when she's nice to me, it's a good day in school. Otherwise I just start and end the day feeling like I'm not involved, I'm not needed, I don't know anything and I'm not worth your time of day.

Why do I let myself get beat up over this time and time again? Am I the real fool here in letting myself get treated this way? Sometimes I ask myself why I bother being the good guy all the time, giving people the benefit of the doubt only to get hurt in return. I feel like I'm sinking into depression and John's just about the only thing keeping me sane and afloat. No matter how I try to think and rethink things, I always end up with the same conclusion. The problem must lie in me, for people to treat me this way. I don't like to push my way into people's lives just to feel included. Maybe it's my own fault for worrying that I'm imposing on people when I'm not at all.

But then, who am I? Why am I the one people turn to when they can't find anyone else? Why am I the spare, the backup, to all my friends? Is it because I treat them like spares too? At a time like this when I'm sunk this far into depression, I'm just thankful that I'm sane enough to recognize how much John means to me and how he's just about the only thing I have left.

glittermissy @ 8:31 AM + + Permalink