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now:
feeling:
loving: my wonderful new iPod
hating: nothing in particular
reading: "The Iliad"
listening: random songs on my iPod :D
watching: Troy
playing: Everquest, FF VII and my new Zelda game (thank you John muackmuacks!!)
wanting: to go shopping
craving: oreos
read more: about me

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May 2003
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Comments by: YACCS

Monday, May 31, 2004 + True? Maybe. +

Took the colour quiz again just for the sake of it. True? You tell me.

Your Existing Situation
Sensitive and understanding but under some strain; needs to unwind in the company of someone close to him.

Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.
Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Needs to feel identified with someone or something and wishes to win support by her charm and amiability. Sentimental and yearns for a romantic tenderness.

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

glittermissy @ 12:43 PM + + Permalink

+ Lost +

Reading through my archives makes me realize what a sad, unhappy person I've become. I sound so fustrated and angry so much of the time. And it scares me how helpless I feel about the way I am now.

Is it me? That I just can't adapt to living with such a system? Or that I'm not good enough to meet the demands of the system? I don't have what it takes to teach in TJ? I'm just not a 'kiasu' and 'kiasi' Singaporean and so I can't get along? I'm not cut out to teach in Singapore? I don't know, I don't know. So much of the time I feel like I keep having to live up to people's demands, especially in school, that I find myself with no time to think of anything but how unhappy I am.

I'm tired of having to watch what I say all the time. I'm tired of having to meet the demands of others. Call it self pity if you want, but what about my needs? What about the time I need to continue growing as a person, as a musician? What about time I need to spend talking to the people who are important to me? I don't seem to be able to fit into any of this.

I often think back to my Uni days in London. I was sad then because I was so far from home, but I was given the space to think, to feel, to grow. I feel so stifled here, as if I've fallen into a pit of quicksand and those who offer one helping hand hold daggers in the other hand.

What can I do for myself? Do I march up and answer back to whatever I don't agree with? That isn't viable, I'd be making life more difficult for myself. Isn't that very sad though, when bosses tell you that they value people who can think, who can innovate, and yet society at large is intolerant of those who cannot conform?

I'm just very confused and very tired. I feel like a shell of whoever I was, whoever I want to be. Sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. In school I act a certain way, with certain people I act in different ways. I seem to be defined by how others perceive me and I act accordingly. If I strip away all the material things that I'm defined by, my music, my engagement ring, my usual way of dressing.. who am I really? I stare at myself in the mirror and try to read my own eyes. And it doesn't surprise me why so few know who I really am, because I don't even know who I am myself.

As Mahler's Adagietto (Symph No. 5) plays in the background, memories of time spent in lectures and reading about him flood my hollow self, images of myself at the Senate House library, buying mochas from the Starbucks across the street from Uni and wandering down the streets of Central London just watching people and places go by... Who am I?

I am lost to the world.

glittermissy @ 12:15 PM + + Permalink

+ Inspiring? +

Seriously I should be in bed by now. I promised my Ensemble students I'll be there throughout the whole camp, but I'm going to go in later tomorrow morning. Slack? Irresponsible? Nope, just taking drastic measures to ensure that the other teacher-in-charge does her job. Apparently last Friday she was on duty from 5pm-8pm, but my students saw her leaving at 5 plus. Huh. To think I went back on Monday night cos she couldn't, and she sneaks off on Friday. Then after that she comes and acts so high and mighty in front of me. And when she realises some mistake or some screw up by some other department in college which affects our camp, what does she do? She SMSes me, "So and So just said our camp blah blah. How?" I fix it of course. Talk about taking initiative. Yes, thank you for taking the initiative to SMS me. Sure, that took a hell lot of effort.

I told her that from 9am to 1pm the students will be using the Auditorium to rehearse and our instructor will be around too, hence it's her duty to get the key to the audi from the OM and ensure things go smoothly. I'm just waiting to see what happens when I do get to school. Would she have slacked off to some corner of the school or left? Hmm.

Okay, I'm not a person who likes to tell people what to do. I don't like giving orders, scolding people or treating others like they're stupid. So when people 'feedback' to me that my students this and that, so and so didn't come for practice, they have bad attitude... I know, I could sit them all down and tell them all off. But it's unfair to those who have been there faithfully and practicing faithfully. So I don't like to do it. Anyway, what do you expect me to do? Be in control of every thing they say, do, think, feel, react? I'm their teacher-in-charge, not their bloody fairy god mother.

Another thing that is pissing me off. The intra Gamma house badminton championships - HOW difficult is it for a student committe to understand that whenever you want to organize an activitiy, I must be around as I'm responsible for you? (Like a bloody fairy god mother!) So when I give you a few options regarding time and venue, STOP BARGAINING WITH ME LIKE I'M THE AUNTIE SELLING GOODS AT THE MARKET. I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE SCHOOL AND HAVE OTHER COMMITMENTS. I'M NOT FREE 24 HOURS A DAY 7 DAYS A WEEK. Take my bloody options and consider them. If we can agree on a time and date, STICK WITH IT. DON'T SMS ME EVERY HALF HOUR TO CHANGE YOUR BLOODY MIND JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK ANOTHER TIMING IS BETTER. IT IS NOT BETTER FOR ME. I HAVE TOLD YOU WHAT IS BETTER FOR ME. AND YOU AGREED. I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL ASSISTANT. I AM NOT YOUR BABY SITTER. I AM ALSO NOT THERE TO FULFILL YOUR EVERY WISH. SO STICK TO THE BLOODY DECISION WE MADE!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it really so hard to understand why I'm so fucking impatient nowadays? I'm seldom this irate when I'm actually in school cos I keep an iron grip on my emotions (otherwise, some people would sure have lots to say. Heck, some people have lots to say regardless what you say or do anyway). And the only time I'm really myself and I can let all these things out is either ranting like a lunatic here on my blog or screaming about them to John, who sometimes scream back cos my reaction is so violent and it gives him a very rude shock - which he definately does not deserve.

The next time I have to fill out a form and it asks for occupation, this is what I'll write - A 'Teacher' who does everything from baby sitting to fairy god mother to 24/7 call girl to the art of diplomacy in the face of people you absolutely DETEST (and teach occasionally). GOOD GRIEF! Inspire and touch young impressionable minds and lives? A closer description would be Inspiring One's Sanity to Greater Heights!

FFS, gimme a break.

glittermissy @ 2:55 AM + + Permalink

Thursday, May 27, 2004 + Photos of the IMH and AP +

Yesterday was the first day of TJC's Sports Carnival, and so there were no lessons all day. In the morning my Chamber Ensemble students and I met to take a photo for the college yearbook. Emily brought her digital camera as well and some of the girls were monkeying around with it. Here are the hilarious results. :) I must say it was a lot of fun and I enjoyed myself.

glittermissy @ 9:04 AM + + Permalink

Tuesday, May 25, 2004 + Woohoo sale... +

Okay Monday's over (*huge sigh of relief*). I can't stand Mondays. Especially when I've got to get up early. LOL. Grrr. Yesterday was a craaaazy day. I spent a total of 4 hours travelling yesterday, which isn't very good for health I think. :P I cabbed to school cos I couldn't get up. Right after my lessons ended I took a bus home, grabbed lunch along the way, got home, grabbed my choir uniform(s), went to the tailor, then had dinner at Toa Payoh central and took the MRT to Bedok. PHEW!

Yesterday's ensemble rehearsal was pretty funny, at the very least it proved to me that the one and only year 1 cellist is not as totally hopeless as we thought she was. I must say our instructress was extrememly patient with her, but then she's a nice person. :)

Today is another marathon session of practical recitals for the June Common Test. I'd buy some coffee if my stomach weren't feeling so weird. I went to bed last night feeling really weird and woke up no better. My voice sounds stuffy, throat feels itchy, eyes feel puffy, head feels groggy and stomach... feels as if I spent the whole of yesterday evening stuffing my face at some laksa and curry buffet (yes, I'm not joking my stomach feels that bad). All I had for dinner was a Fish Dippers happy meal at MacDonalds (yay Qoo toy! :P I'm such a kid, but so what?). That was it. Okay I had 1.5 glasses of apple juice with bits of aloe vera in it (tastes nicer than it sounds!) and some chocolate. But that was it. Doesn't explain my craving for potato chips and why my stomach is acting so weird. :( Bah.

Anyway, the rest of the week should be fun. Tomorrow is our sports carnival and innovation day. At the same time there will be a "Science for Enterprise Exhibition and Fair" going on round the college, which is part of the S'pore Youth Science Festival. Apparently it's open to members of the public so it'll be a pretty busy day. I think the college will have a very "re4 nao4" atmosphere which is actually quite nice. :) In the morning the ensemble will be having a combined rehearsal for our concert, Intermezzo XXI. The concert is next Friday at 7.30pm, in the college Auditorium. Tickets are $6, want to come? :D We're celebrating our 21st Birthday!

Thursday is another day of practical recitals. Friday will be a quiet day for me, I don't have any lessons on Friday (wooooo!) and ensemble practice that evening will be covered by my co-teacher i/c. So I think this Friday I will be able to pick up some things I've been needing as well as to start scouting for a good and relatively value-for-money suitcase for the Italy trip. Various stores are already having sales so I guess it's a good time to look. The suitcase I used while in London is far, far too big and I don't have a smaller one. LOL. Friday evenings (when we're both free) are also usually John and my 'movie night'.

Oooh my student just told me that this Friday Tower is having a storewide 20% sale! And I'll be going there after school with the MEP year2 girls. Should be fun. :)
Okay I'm going to stop here, more to come. :)

glittermissy @ 10:42 AM + + Permalink

Monday, May 24, 2004 + ARGH +

So many things to do.

1. Preparations for Intermezzo XXI.
2. Getting hold of other CE teacher to sort out duties.
3. Setting July Common Test Paper Qns.
4. Prepare for lessons this coming week.
5. Memorize "Setiap" *groan*
6. Go to tailor to fix choir uniform
7. Sort out money for tour.
8. Go through pieces for choir on Wed.
9. Pack my bloody messy room.
10.SLEEP

It's 12.20am and I'm still awake. I don't know how the heck I'm going to make it to school on time tomorrow morning. Sort of argued with John again just now over the phone. Right now I'm like feck whatever, I'm too damn tired to care, think or do anything. I don't even know why the heck I'm typing this now. Prolly some form of respite from feeling unhappy so often of late. Feel like I'm always having to do/say things so I don't get into trouble. Always have to be politically correct.

FUCK IT I'm going to bed.

glittermissy @ 12:13 AM + + Permalink

Wednesday, May 19, 2004 + Patching things up this summer +

Blogging in school again. :P

Today our TA came in to sort out our new laptops and the existing PCs. My colleague and I have switched to our new Dell laptops and we've shifted the two desktops to the two music studios. It's hilarious when I want to type something and I pull out the keyboard drawer only to see that it's empty. LOL. This will take some getting used to. But I like using laptopts, somehow they feel more personal.

It's the last 1 1/2 weeks of school for me, and even though I keep moaning about it 2 terms have passed really fast. I have 4 weeks of summer vacation to look forward to. Of course there are things that I'll need to do (CE camp the first two days of the hols, and the concert on the first Friday in June, preparations for Italy...), I have the luxury of waking up later than 6am and staying up past 12am. Not forgetting the luxury of time - to read all the books I've bought but have yet to read, to play EQ, to sing more, maybe fix my broken harp strings and play it (!!), sort out my messy room (!!), meet up with friends I haven't had time to see and basically do stuff I've been wanting to do for the longest time. My poor Nikon and Canon cameras are lying there unloved... :(

Most of us make resolutions for new years. I'm going to make one for the coming summer break, because these lazy days tend to end up just that - lazy days, without accomplishing anything. And before I know it the 4 weeks would have passed and I wouldn't have done a single thing I intended to do. So here is my summer resolution - sing sing and sing (not only for Italy but for the Grade 6 exam!), read read read, EQ EQ more EQ, rest(!), catch up with friends, learn more about and do more photography, write more (whether it's blogging, or random bits of mental utterances in my paper journal or incoherent attempts at creative writing...), listen more, see more.

Especially to listen and see more. I hate dashing through a day with no time or mental energy to really see and hear the people and things around me. Most days, even if college ends early for me, I'm usually too tired to think about or do much apart from a short EQ session in the evening, or to flick on the telly and stare. Where's the me who believes so strongly in experiencing life aesthetically, holistically? During term time, my ability to absorb experiences is akin to a bowl that has been worn so full of holes by stress and work that I'm more like a sieve. LOL. :(

Anyway, I'm going to try and make full use of the summer break to recharge so I'll be a nice, shiny new bowl when the new college term starts and when I head off to Italy. I want to go to Italy with a child's mind, unprejudiced, unbiased, eager to absorb everything that I come across as if I were seeing the world for the first time in life. Alrighty, time to go patch up this old sieve.

glittermissy @ 1:55 PM + + Permalink

Thursday, May 13, 2004 + PHEW! +

Finally have time to write another update.

Bloody internet connection in school still down. They said they'll take half a day on Wednesday for the people from HP to fix the damn thing. It's still down even as I'm writing this. How I'm able to write this? I'm at home resting!!

Been quite a week for me. Stuff to do for both PDPs that I'm in charge of, SYC, stuff at home, going over to John's to see his baby niece, stuff for my mum, had a lesson observation on Wednesday (damn scary with both my HOD and the VP who suddenly decided to pop in!!).... I don't have time to do stuff for myself! The good thing about being so busy is that time passes sooo fast. It's just 2 more weeks to the summer break - which I'm really looking forward to. The first week will be spent getting ready for TJC Chamber Ensemble's concert, Intermezzo XXI (we're turning 21!), so I have 3 weeks to sort out my life, my room, get ready for Italy and all the other loose ends I've left untied. Very scary. So much to do in such a short period of time. 4 weeks of school holiday sounds like a pretty long time, but I know that it'll be over before I know it and I'll be off to Italy for 2 weeks.

John has been my pillar of support through the whole emotional rollercoaster ride that the past 2 weeks or so have been. I'm just so thankful that he's so steadfast and has such strong faith. I think in spite of me being so temperemental and high strung, I'm a survivor and I would probably make it through stuff even if I didn't have someone to depend on like I have John. But he's made life so much easier and happier for me that I just can't imagine going at it all alone.

A student of mine mentioned to me today about my old blog and my previous diaryland journal. I'd almost forgotten about them and was actually a little embarassed that she found them. Well, I went to read them again and decided not to delete them. I think I need to learn to let go and be less uptight about so many things. Those old diaries will serve as a reminder of just how far I've come since then, how much I've grown and changed whether for the better or for worse. So I'll keep them there for now, and if you want to find out all my dark, dirty secrets you better do so before I change my mind. LOL. ;P

John's gonna knock off work in a few minutes and drive over to my place for dinner. It'll be nice to be able to spend a quiet evening together catching up. Even though I met him for lunch just this afternoon, it feels like ages since we last really sat and talked about things.

PHEW!

glittermissy @ 5:15 PM + + Permalink

Monday, May 10, 2004 + On Sunday Night +

Really should be in bed but am wide awake now. Took this quiz which I saw on my friend Jonquille's diary.

Your Existing Situation
Hopes to obtain an improved position and greater prestige, so that she can procure for herself more of the things she has had to do without.

Your Stress Sources
The situation is regarded as threatening or dangerous. Outraged by the thought that she will be unable to achieve her goals and distressed at the feeling of helplessness to remedy this. Over-extended and feels beset, possibly to the point of nervous prostration.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.

Your Desired Objective
Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a situation of idealized harmony. Has an imperative need for tenderness and affection. Susceptible to anything esthetic.

Your Actual Problem
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. This feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

Hmm well I odn't know about wanting greater prestige tho improved position is probably true. Of couse, 'improved' is subjective. I don't really wish for more things that I've had to do without, unless we're talking about personal space and time. I regard my situation as threatening and dangerous? Yes I guess I do in a way. Yes I feel helpless. Achieve satisfaction through sexual activity? LOL. Yes I feel forced to compromise. What am I supposed to do, march up to MOE and tell them what I really think about their system? Nah I don't think so. Longs for a situation of idealized harmony - always have, always will. Susceptible to anything esthetic. Aesthetic? Yes. Depleted vitality resulting in intolerance of further stimulation and demands on my resources - most definately. Feeling of powerlessness - true. Attempts to escape into a substitute world - also true.

Take the test, you never know. Food for thought for a Sunday night.

glittermissy @ 1:36 AM + + Permalink

Monday, May 03, 2004 + Have you... +

It's Monday again

and as usual I didn't want to get out of bed. But it actually feels kinda nice to be back in school and doing something useful. Every morning when I try to get up I wish I could just go back to bed and slack the rest of the day. But after awhile, slacking around gets boring and I need something to do. Of course, if I had the time I could say I'd spend it all playing EQ and FF7 and my GC. But that's another matter totally.

I had a nice weekend - got to spend some time with my mum which was nice. I spent most of my time with John which was nice too. After voice on Sunday morning I went over to John's place and managed to get a peek at his little niece. She looked soooo cute! Now I've never been a baby person but she looked so sweet lying there in her little cot, her hair all puffed up. Her tiny little face blissfully asleep, oblivious to the pairs of curious eyes looking on as she slept, her tiny little hands in white cotton mittens and her little body tucked safely under a soft blanket.

Awwww she really looked like such an angel. John and I even had little gifts for her - he bought her a cute bunny rattle and as expected I got her a little cream teddy bear.

Standing there looking at her sleep it suddenly struck me how amazing babies are. Lying there in that little cot was a new little person - what will she be like when she grows up? It seems incredible to imagine how much potential lies in that one little mind, yet untainted by the materialism, cynicism and skepticism that life seems to imbue in us. Looking at the tiny little person made me imagine how my mum must have felt when I was that small and she was looking at me in the same way. And that made me appreciate her a little more.

Recently I've been too caught up in my own problems and too busy to sit and chat with her much. I know that mother's day should be every day, not just one Sunday a year, but sometimes it gets hard to listen to someone else when you yourself are looking for someone to listen to you.

Anyway, have you hugged your mum today?

glittermissy @ 8:30 AM + + Permalink