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now:
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loving: my wonderful new iPod
hating: nothing in particular
reading: "The Iliad"
listening: random songs on my iPod :D
watching: Troy
playing: Everquest, FF VII and my new Zelda game (thank you John muackmuacks!!)
wanting: to go shopping
craving: oreos
read more: about me

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Comments by: YACCS

Friday, November 21, 2003 + Life is but a dream +

PMS has come and gone and I'm feeling emotionally more stable now. Things have been a bit of a rollercoaster ride the past month or so and it seems like it's finally dying down now.

I'm sitting in John's room looking out the window over Siglap and at the edge of Bedok. It all feels so surreal somehow. Whenever I get a chance to look out a window at 10th storey or above the experience always changes me in some way. At least, it calms me down. It seems like when I'm at ground level I get so blinded by the nitty gritties of reality and don't see the 'big picture'. Looking out over people and places helps me get my perspective back and remember that regardless of the mistakes I make, the things that I've done and haven't done, the people I've made happy and unhappy - there's more to life than that.

John's parents and his sister have returned from Australia. His parents are always so nice to me, for which I'm thankful. My own parents have been too caught up in their own conflict to care much about me. It seems really sad that things have come to such a stage but nowadays I'm too tired at the end of the day to talk about my problems or to listen to theirs. So I just prefer to be left alone whenever I'm at home. Maybe it's a part of me that can never adjust to being back in Singapore - my time spent independently in London has changed me irreversibly. I'm just so tired with the whole thing - and the worst thing of all is I never wanted to get involved in their problem. But of course my dad had to somehow find some fault with me and take it out on me too, like he does with all the people around him. Little wonder where I get my quick temper and stubborn nature from. But anyway, I used to really enjoy taking my mum out for meals and spending time with her. Now I'm practically ashamed to say that I'm apprehensive whenever I go home because I'm just so sick of my dad's rubbish and I'm too tired to listen to my mum's problems.

Call me unfilial if you want. But I have enough to deal with on my own - without any support from them - to have to go home and deal with theirs too.

Coming over to John's place or just being with John is such a relief for me. With him, and with his parents I can be happy knowing that they trust and support what I do. It's sad that I have to talk about my parents in my blog like this. I'm sure neither of them wanted things to turn out this way either but they did.

There's a strange glow in the sky over Bedok. It's 12.20pm now but it feels like it's just dawn. The air seems misty as if I'm looking at something which is about to waver and fade away, like a dream.

Then again, that could be a reflection of how much I appreciate this moment of peace sitting here in John's room even though he's not around right now, and my fear that this peace, John and all that's happy in my life will slip away.

glittermissy @ 12:24 PM + + Permalink

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 + It's that time again... +

Oh. Why didn't I think of that sooner? It's PMS time again. RAAAAH!

glittermissy @ 3:46 PM + + Permalink

+ TEACH? Duh. +

It's the 2nd week into my invigilation duties. Who says that teachers have the best life of all because we get school holidays? Non-teachers just don't have a clue how much work there is still to be done even after school officially closes.

There is so much admin work to be done to tie up this year as well as in preparation for next year. PW for 2003 is finally over (at least it is for me). Last week my days were spent at VJC invigilating the A Levels, and most evenings back at TJC getting my students ready for their oral presentations. As if my brain was willing to do anything after a whole day of doing nothing besides making sure people don't cheat, that they have enough paper or bits of string to tie up their answers with.

These days I'm so tired that even when I do have some time to myself to do whatever I want I'm too tired to do anything. I just hope that come December things will die down a bit and I'll finally have some days where I can sleep in and not worry about people calling me to hassle me about things. I think one of these days I'll just turn off my phone and not care about anything else apart from what I want to do. The world can go collapse around me - I don't care. I think enough is enough.

I just told off a student of sending me a text message late at night on official business and expecting me to reply. What do you think I am, a 24-hour teacher? That's the last thing I want to be and I'm trying my best to make sure that doesn't happen. I want to be a teacher in school ONLY and once I step out of school all official stuff is left in school too. Outside you either call me as a friend for whatever or don't call me at all. I know what hasn't been done/needs to be done. Hasseling me about it during the day and even after 'office hours' only puts me in a bloddy foul mood and things will probably get done even slower.

I'm just like that. The more someone nags at me to do something, the more I delay it on purpose, especially if it's something I personally don't want to do.

Well, invigilation sucks. You get paid peanuts to do peanuts. Honestly I'd rather not get paid to not do it. I know, 10 or 11 days, $25 each day adds up to a nice little sum but still. I'd rather be stress-free and have the time to myself to do whatever I want.

If you're thinking of becoming a teacher, let me burst your bubble for you. Only 50% of your time or energy or less is actually spent teaching. The rest of the time you're chasing after people, students, bits of paper or doing stupid admin errands just because. If not, you're being chased after for information or bits of paper. And all that about 'Make a difference, teach' and 'Change lives' is half bullshit. Perhaps those things wouldn't seem like idealistic dreams if teachers were actually give the space, time, energy and freedom to do what they're supposed to - TEACH. Duh.

I'm really starting to feel that it's the system here. Do I really want to send my kids through this education system? I'm starting to think not. Migrating seems more and more appealing as time passes. And thankfully, John is starting to agree with me more and more about this. We'll see.

glittermissy @ 3:42 PM + + Permalink

Monday, November 03, 2003 + Better now +

I'm feeling better today. I think John's stress rubbed off on me and things always seem worse than they really are when I'm stressed. But I still feel that I'm too obliging. Sometimes it seems nice to have a quality like that in a cynical world but it invites unwanted 'attention' if you know what I mean. Maybe I'm just trying to console myself when I say that.

It's the last 4 days of school for me but there are still things to be done - PW and some other admin things. Honestly, being a teacher is 50% teaching and 50% a lot of other rubbish (admin work, being a surrogate parent, being an aunt agony, stationery provider hahaha just to name a few). I'm just glad that some of my students seem to be able to relate to me and vice versa to a certain degree.

I think when I'm in school I give others the impression that I'm innocent (true to a certain degree... self-inflicted innocence which perhaps stems from my idealism), inexperienced (definately true), ignorant and naive. Somehow I've always given my friends the impression that I come from a wonderful family who's very supportive and that I had a happy, sheltered childhood. But underlying all this are problems that I seldom share with others and it usually surprises people when they find out about the turbulence I went through and am still going through. In a way I'm thankful for all the 'bad' things that I had to experience because I think I'd be a much shallower person without those experiences than I am now.

I feel like I'm about to fall ill again. Not getting enough sleep definately isn't helping much. It's not like I work very late into the night but I tend to stay up to do things I enjoy at night and at the same time accompany John as he studies for his exams. :) Even when I'm forced to sleep by 1 or 2 am and get up at 5 plus to go to school, I'm still very much a nocturnal creature. My brain is most active and creative at night somehow. In the day the sun seems too glaring hot for anything creative, and for my introspective nature. I would love to be a surfer babe with a nice tanned and toned body, lounging around on the beach when I'm not actually riding the waves but I think I'd never make a very good one. :P

Well the day's about half over and I've got 4 hours or so more to go. Will try to update again soon. :)

glittermissy @ 11:51 AM + + Permalink

+ Apologies +

I'd never thought I'd say this but this seems to be my unhappiest point in my life in TJ so far.

This Thursday is the annual staff dinner. I'm going purely for appearances. I hate such events, I really don't see the point in going if the intention is not sincere. But knowing that it's my first half a year in TJ, tongues will wag if I'm not there. And innocent little me didn't know that somehow Winnie and I got arrowed to perform for this momentuous occasion. Somehow she decided that she'd play piano whilst I'd sing. I said there's no way I'll sing, so I somehow ended up agreeing to play flute instead. Don't ask me how, I think I'm much too passive for my own good and I really need to start learning to say "no" even if it offends people. I am really getting sick of pleasing others at the sacrifice of my own happiness. Life is far too short to be living for others and not for myself.

I'm also unhappy over a number of things but I won't mention them here just yet.

Anyway, if you count yourself a friend of mine - I have few I call friends anyway - you should know that I always try to oblige people and yet dislike inconveniencing others. Maybe it's due to this "flaw" in my character that invites people to take advantage of me. I'm going to try and change that - at least, my passivity (if there's such a word) - and learn to say no more. So if I offend you unintentionally, let me apologize in advance.

glittermissy @ 12:43 AM + + Permalink

Sunday, November 02, 2003 + Motorcycle thief +

BLODDY STARHUB CONNECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just lost the entire post because John's bloddy starhub cable connection is acting funny. ARGH!!!!!!!!!

To briefly recap (because I'm too pissed and simply can't be bothered to type it all out again) I've been too busy and too tired the past week to update. The past week was spent in meetings and running around due to the A Level Music performance recital exams.

On Saturday morning I spent $30 on taxi fare alone which really pissed me off. I was supposed to have a meeting from 8.30-12.30 but it ended at 9.30am. That meant that I could still attend the A Level Invigilation meeting at VJC at 10am, so I took a cab from Buona Vista back to John's place. (I took a cab from John's place to Buona Vista cos I got up late which is really my own fault I guess). ARGH.

SYC has been really enjoyable and I'm glad I joined. I hope I'll get to sing in the year end concert and to be part of all the activities next year. SYC will be 40 next year and there are many things planned, including a trip to Europe in June which I hope to be part of.

Finally found a Steve Vai CD which I'd been searching for the past 2 weeks or so for John. Found it at the little Sembawang branch at Orchard MRT station. The guy at the shop got it for his own listening pleasure, and now that I bought it he's going to order another so he can play it whilst working. Hahaha. The precious CD is now sitting on John's desk along with all the other things I got him over the past few weeks as "stress relief" presents. :)

I've been watching John's copy of the G3 live concert (Joe Satriani, Steve Vai and Eric Johnson). Really good. Having grown up with a father who loves Led Zepplin, Deep Purple and Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik at the same time resulted in my extreme tastes in music. It's probably also the reason why I'm attracted to rock stars. :P Watching the G3 live concert makes me realize all over again why I fell in love with John.

One of my MEP students said that John (when he still had long-ish hair --- hey, it's only long when it's half way down his back) looked like a motorcycle thief. When I told John we both laughed so hard that we were tearing. Instead of being insulting, it had the opposite effect. John plays guitar, does things his own way while telling the the rest of the world to FOD and loves Grand Theft Auto. What better description that motorcycle thief? I think Johnny Depp had a point he described (his role in "Pirates of the Caribbean") pirates being the rock stars of their day. :)

Okay. Blogger had better post and publish this post or I'm not going to update again anytime soon. Stupid thing. Sheesh. Something's wrong with my comments thing again. It seems to disappear each time I change templates. Whatever. I'll just wait for it to appear again.

glittermissy @ 5:24 PM + + Permalink