PMS has come and gone and I'm feeling emotionally more stable now. Things have been a bit of a rollercoaster ride the past month or so and it seems like it's finally dying down now.

I'm sitting in John's room looking out the window over Siglap and at the edge of Bedok. It all feels so surreal somehow. Whenever I get a chance to look out a window at 10th storey or above the experience always changes me in some way. At least, it calms me down. It seems like when I'm at ground level I get so blinded by the nitty gritties of reality and don't see the 'big picture'. Looking out over people and places helps me get my perspective back and remember that regardless of the mistakes I make, the things that I've done and haven't done, the people I've made happy and unhappy - there's more to life than that.

John's parents and his sister have returned from Australia. His parents are always so nice to me, for which I'm thankful. My own parents have been too caught up in their own conflict to care much about me. It seems really sad that things have come to such a stage but nowadays I'm too tired at the end of the day to talk about my problems or to listen to theirs. So I just prefer to be left alone whenever I'm at home. Maybe it's a part of me that can never adjust to being back in Singapore - my time spent independently in London has changed me irreversibly. I'm just so tired with the whole thing - and the worst thing of all is I never wanted to get involved in their problem. But of course my dad had to somehow find some fault with me and take it out on me too, like he does with all the people around him. Little wonder where I get my quick temper and stubborn nature from. But anyway, I used to really enjoy taking my mum out for meals and spending time with her. Now I'm practically ashamed to say that I'm apprehensive whenever I go home because I'm just so sick of my dad's rubbish and I'm too tired to listen to my mum's problems.

Call me unfilial if you want. But I have enough to deal with on my own - without any support from them - to have to go home and deal with theirs too.

Coming over to John's place or just being with John is such a relief for me. With him, and with his parents I can be happy knowing that they trust and support what I do. It's sad that I have to talk about my parents in my blog like this. I'm sure neither of them wanted things to turn out this way either but they did.

There's a strange glow in the sky over Bedok. It's 12.20pm now but it feels like it's just dawn. The air seems misty as if I'm looking at something which is about to waver and fade away, like a dream.

Then again, that could be a reflection of how much I appreciate this moment of peace sitting here in John's room even though he's not around right now, and my fear that this peace, John and all that's happy in my life will slip away.

glittermissy @ 12:24 PM + + Permalink