Feeling very very tired today. I have absolutely no idea why, I don't see why I should be. I think my body just refuses to adapt back to waking up early and sleeping early. :(

Couldn't really fall asleep last night. It was one of those nights where I'm lying there on the verge of sleep but somehow a part of consciousness just refuses to shut down. So I'm lying there groggy, worrying that I'd wake up late in the morning because I can't fall asleep. Isn't it silly? Keeping myself awake worrying about how I can't fall asleep...

Anyway I spent the whole morning and part of the afternoon after lunch analyzing Brahms's 2nd Piano Concerto 1st movement. And I must say that I enjoyed myself immensely. The last time I really put my mind to analyzing anything with this much effort was in my final year at University. And I didn't realize how much I actually enjoy doing it - and how much I miss doing it - until today. :) It was great just to spend the whole day sitting there playing bits of the music over and over again and just pouring over the score trying to figure out chords and material and sections. Of course it helps that the music is great and with each listening I like it more and more.

Seems strange that I like both Brahms and Wagner (and Mahler!) but I really do. Wagner is loud, brash at times, subtle at others and very emotional. Brahms is equally emotional if not more, and in a totally different way. It's great. It's times like this I remember why I always wanted to study music. :)

However I think I can't teach for nuts. Maybe I'm just too self-conscious and not sure enough of what I'm teaching. :( I'm more at ease with the current year 2s now but with the year 1s it's just so hard. I think I respond to people better when I know them. I'm tend to be cautious and ill at ease with people who I don't know. With some people I can click with them almost immediately. With others it takes a long, long time, if ever. So I find that I get stuttery, muddle-headed and tongue-tied with the year 1 class. I guess it's only my 2nd lesson with them so far and it's disturbing to have so many pairs of eyes watching you (I have absolutely no idea how I got through practicum!). Some students these days can be so volatile, once they've decided they don't like you for some reason it can be so hard to reach out to them, much less teach them something. So, half the time I find myself trying to reach out to them instead of really just teaching them. Whoever said teaching is easy should give it a go and eat their own words. :P True, some people might have a natural flair for it but I don't think it ever is easy in the beginning. Students change with ever batch that you teach, I think you're constantly adapting and changing your approach and style. You have to.

Anyway, I enjoyed the Brahms lecture but half the time I wonder if I'm teaching the right things, or if I've left out anything important. But then, I guess teachers can never teach everything they know. Students don't remember everything you teach them anyway. I'll just have to hope I'm not too far off the mark and that they'll remember the important things. :P

But sometimes I feel so restricted in the sense that we have to follow whatever is stipulated by the syllabus. Not that what I'm doing goes against my beliefs of what a music education should be, and my principles as a musician and person. But there's so much more I wish I could share and say in class with my students about what I think music means. Doesn't that sound so pompous though? As if my opinion on the subject were the gospel truth! But that's precisely my problem I think. One important lesson that University has taught me is that there are very few things that are the gospel truth anyway, and that there are few, if any, absolutes. There's no such thing as a text book answer and someone is always going to have a different opinion. So in that way, how can I teach anything with certainty knowing that there's going to be at least one writer out there who has said something otherwise? I don't feel like I can ever be totally sure of what I'm saying. Maybe that's why I come across as hesitant when I teach. Sigh.

All of a sudden I feel like composing again. It was a pity the University didn't think I had what they were looking for. But then again when I look back at the things I wrote in University, I think it's all rubbish and wonder what I was thinking then. :P Maybe I should give it a go and see where it takes me. So many things I want to do but so little time.

glittermissy @ 7:48 PM + + Permalink