I've been away from school for the past two days. Down with flu but this time I've been feeling weird. I'd wake up in the middle of the nite feeling really nauseous after which I'd have difficulty falling asleep again. I also get spells of feeling very faint or feeling like I want to throw up during the day.

The doctor thinks it's due to work stress and my flu. This is the first time I feel this way during a flu. Very weird. :( Blood pressure low but still within normal range. Maybe I'm not getting enough exercise or something. Who knows?

It's quite nice to return to the monotony of work. You just come in, do whatever you're supposed to do and life passes by in a meaningless succession of tasks and responsibilities. Monotony is almost safe, and even sterile. It becomes quite difficult to find the meaning in anything that you do after a while because you get so numb to just about everything that's around you.

I haven't been inspired to write much here. Then again, not many of my friends come to visit. Is my writing that bad? LOL. I think I'm getting bored with the things that I've been doing and haven't had the time to see past the surface of many things, people and places. And this comes across in the comments that I've been making, which doesn't make for very entertaining reading.

On a more juicy note, things at home seem to have reach a state of being irreparable. My parents seem headed toward divorce for real this time. Then again they change their minds faster than the weather and I think I've come to accept not expecting anything from them anymore. I'm not going to hope for anything, whether it be divorce or reconciliation. I think they've yo-yoed between the two so many times that I'm getting used to the fact that they have serious problems and there's nothing I can do about it.

John thinks I should make the effort to help them, at least to try and talk to them more. I think I don't because deep down I feel a sort of resentment toward them, especially my dad. While I didn't lack for material things during my childhood I think my emotional development was seriously scarred by him. He was a harsh and unforgiving father - willing to listen but never truly hearing, always stubborn and inflexible, bearing grudges against his own wife and children. Sometimes when I get brochures about child abuse I freak out because the symptoms of emotional abuse: self denial, low self esteem, worthlessness, fatalistic outlook, insecure, anxiety/retreating and nightmares - seem to fit me to a T. Was I emotionally abused as a kid? Maybe, maybe not. Well, my dad has a way of picking on certain words/phrases/events and misintepreting them even if you've tried to explain your real intentions a million times. And he'd bear that grudge for years and years. Is it any wonder how and why my sister and I, and my mum too have been terrified of him for years? It doesn't seem surprising now that I continue to want to do things to please the people around me instead of things that would please myself. Or I'd do things covertly in fear that I'd offend someone.

I think I was brought up by a father who is overly critical of himself and others, and that's the reason why I'm like this too. At least I can examine my own behaviour and say, hey I'm overly critical of myself and of others and can try to change this. But it's quite hard to change such a mindset towards yourself and others when it has been ingrained in you for so many of your formative years.

Watching my parents' marriage break down - or perhaps, realizing finally that there were cracks all along which I didn't see when I was younger, has shaped the way I treat relationships. The shock of how imperfect one's parents are is wearing off too slowly - slowed even more perhaps by my own idealistic nature, wanting to believe that in a daughter's eyes my beloved mum and dad can do no wrong. Indeed they're only human and we all make mistakes. But I think it's coming to terms with finding out just how serious the mistakes they've made while impressing a ridiculous level of 'perfection' upon me. I feel the child in me screaming and fighting at the injustice of having to live up to my father's ridiculous standards of what is acceptable. You got 3 As and a C for your exam? Why did you get one C? You're a failure!

I don't know why I'm saying all this nor thinking all this right now. But such are the juicy details of my life which I've told to so few, maybe even too few. I think I guard myself and my secrets very closely - perhaps too closely which prevents others from becoming close to me. And so I sit and wonder why my friends seem more distant than I like when I really should be making the effort to reach out to them instead. :( My friends, if you read this I hope you'll understand that I can be very insecure at times (at many times!) and that if you have the energy and will to, remind me of the nice person I am to you instead of the sad, lonely creature I see myself as far far too often. I think too many of you mean so much more to me than I show or say.

I've never been a groupie sort of girl. I have few who are close to me and I guess I like things that way. John, Debbie, Tom, Zain, Dan and Aik Keong, I love you guys all very much and I'm really grateful for having you in my life. I know sometimes due to distance or lack of energy/time we don't see nor even talk very much but I think of you all the time and I miss you all. I know I'm not the most attentive of friends at times but you all mean a lot to me. If I ever lose faith, please slap me (gently!) and tell me to stop being stupid. LOL.


But I'm going to try and learn from things that happen to me, keep on going, growing and healing. And I'd love if you were part of it too. I might not ask you for help or for company very often, but please don't think I don't want you around. I do, all the time, but am probably too shy and too fearful of imposing that I don't. I miss you guys. :) Hope you're all well.

glittermissy @ 9:58 AM + + Permalink