I've been doing some 'deep thinking' the past week or so. Then again, I'm always doing 'deep thinking'. Whenever I have some time to myself, to slow down and breathe a little, these deep thoughts keep running through my head like my brain is a broken record player - What's the meaning of life? What's the meaning of MY life? Am I a happy person? Why? Why am I not living life to the full? What does it mean to live life to the full anyway??

I've come to feel that obligations are nasty little things. They either make you really inspired or they crush you 'like a cockroach'. And I think for me it has been more of the latter than anything. There's always this fear of not living up to expectations set by family, friends and society at large. But there's this little girl voice somewhere in my broken-record-player-brain that echos "be a writer... be an artist... create".

The prospect of not having a 'stable' job with a 'stable' income scares me. I don't come from the richest of families, and after a teenagehood of turbulence at home I realize how much I've put security on a pedestal. Maybe a sense of security is something I never really had, which explains the critical and pessimistic attitude I often have towards myself.

But what I really want to do with my life is to create - to make things, be they songs or poems or photographs or stories or novels or 'art' - which touches people in some way. Whether it inspires them, makes them love/hate/laugh/cry, makes them understand themselves better, or whether it lets me share something of my view of life with them. I want to create something which, even if it means absolutely nothing to those who see it, would ultimately bring me satisfaction and perhaps let me understand myself a little better.

There are so many inspiring stories of people who have chased their dreams and one of my favourites is Alex. Do read her journal if you can spare the time - she chronicles her own journey from the day she made up her mind to give up her 'secure' job to become a writer and artist.

While there is no way I can afford to break my bond, I've resolved to stop short-changing myself and to really live. I'm going to try and become the person I've always wanted to be. Reading about Alex's journey makes me believe that if you really want something you have to go out there and get it as there will never be a 'perfect time', nor will you ever feel like you have 'enough' funds, experience or credibility. Even if I never get a book published, an album released or any art sold, at least I won't look back on my life in 30 years time and say "I should have..." or "what if".

glittermissy @ 4:27 PM + + Permalink