Still headachy but no longer grumpy nor anti-social. Go me! :D

I reckon it's because the weekend is here. Yay! Well, tomorrow I'm going to put my neck (or rather, voice) on the chopping board and audition for the SYC (Singapore Youth Choir). If I get in *fingers, eyes, legs, hair and toes crossed* I will probably not sing in SSC (Singapore Symphony Chorus) anymore. Even though getting to sing in 'big works' - masterpieces of the classical choral repertoire (as well as take part in the Arts Fest next year singing Mahler's 8th Symphony), being in the SSC isn't exactly the choral experience that I'm looking for. Perhaps I don't really have any friends there as the people there are from rather different circles and age groups, which is why Monday nights at SSC usually feels rather impersonal and unenjoyable. Maybe I'm being too sensitive but Lim Yau is a rather scary chap too. Last Monday he asked me and another alto to sit right at the end of the front row. We did, and later he made this (according to my interpretation) dismissive gesture while saying, "I asked you to sit in front for a reason, you know." Now, what's that supposed to mean? That we weren't good enough and he wanted us in the corner so our voices wouldn't be as offensive to his ear?

Maybe I'm just reading too much into that one incident. But it didn't leave me with a good feeling. And anyway the only thing I really enjoy about Monday nights there is the actual singing/music. Maestro Yau has ears and eyes like a hawk and it is a bit unsettling - to the point where I don't sing correctly because I'm too nervous, or I don't watch him or listen to the chorus because my eyes are glued to my own score. And honestly I really don't think that's the kind of choral experience I want. I perfectly understand that SSC, after all, puts up public performances for a paying audience and some kind of standard has to be maintained. But still, I'm starting to feel that it's not for me.

Well who knows? Maybe they'll decide I don't have the right kind of voice for SYC and I'll end up nowhere. In a way I desperately want to get into SYC because I think it'll offer what I think it does and more. And also I don't want to become choirless, or be left feeling dissatisfied and stuck if I stick to SSC.

I don't like the feeling of being stuck in limbo and this is one of those situations. My friends all tell me that I'm worrying too much about getting into SYC (I'm still very young as a singer and I've got a long way to go, which is why I'm not confident of my abilities) but I guess I didn't explain what exactly is going through my head and what getting into SYC means to me. Well, enough unhappy thoughts. The weekend is here and I shall try my best to go for the audition with an open mind and a smile on my face. Go me.

glittermissy @ 4:30 PM + + Permalink