+ purple book +

+ about me +

now:
feeling:
loving: my wonderful new iPod
hating: nothing in particular
reading: "The Iliad"
listening: random songs on my iPod :D
watching: Troy
playing: Everquest, FF VII and my new Zelda game (thank you John muackmuacks!!)
wanting: to go shopping
craving: oreos
read more: about me

+ around my blog +

+ current
+ email me
+ blogskins
+ blogger

+ archives +

May 2003
July 2003
August 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004

+ favourite blogs +

+ Jonquille
+ inflatedego
+ Aloka
+ The Non-Adventures of Japaneezu Seijin
+ alexthegirl
+ Pinkified
+ Darknyte
+ Deep rambling thoughts of a blonde
+ Eiyaku Shimpo

+ links +

+ EverQuest
+ MoS Guild on VS (old)
+ MoS Guild on VS (new)
+ LOTR
+ Istad
+ Escaflowne Online
+ Orisinal
+ Keiji
+ Intuitivmedia
+ Blogskins
+ Be a vampire!
+ chanth.com
+ Games
+ CDJapan

+ fun stuff+

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Comments by: YACCS

Wednesday, June 30, 2004 + And finally... +

Post no. 101:

And so folks we've come to the end of this day's entertainment. I'm retiring this diary. I'll leave it up but I won't be writing in it anymore. If you've been reading - whether or not it was what you expected - thanks. It's been fun.

glittermissy @ 12:00 PM + + Permalink

Wednesday, June 23, 2004 + 100th Entry +

Wow ok 100th entry. Been awhile.

I have half the mind to close this blog. For a few reasons - my privacy is no longer as intact as I want it to be. I don't know who else knows about this blog and has been reading it and hence the things I say are becoming more and more superficial. I originally intended this blog for my friends to read as a way to keep in touch but it seems tohave moved beyond that into something I'm not comfortable with. I don't feel any inspiration to write nowadays.

So happy 100th entry me, but maybe it's time to move on.

glittermissy @ 10:32 AM + + Permalink

Thursday, June 17, 2004 + .... +

I just found out that Tom has been in a bad bike accident.

He's now in hospital and will be for the next few weeks.

I can't see him, not with 6000 miles between us.

Oh God...

glittermissy @ 5:08 AM + + Permalink

Wednesday, June 16, 2004 + Sick again +

I think I've got food poisoning.

I kept waking up very early this morning and found it hard to get back to sleep. Kept feeling like throwing up but managed to fight it down. But it was about 7am or so that I couldn't take it anymore and ran to the toilet. But nothing came up. The feeling was horrible though, I hate being sick. Now my stomach's feeling very weak, and strangely my hands and feet feel all tingly, like they're filled with too much blood.

It's now 10am and I'm contemplating even eating breakfast though I know I should take something hot. I don't want to be sick again.

Tomorrow is my mum's birthday and I managed to find a nice gift for her. I'm not sure if I'll be able to go for her birthday dinner though. :( This coming Saturday is also SYC's pre-tour concert. I'm only singing in the 2nd half. I'm just hoping that by then I'll be physically ok.

Dunno why I'm suddenly like this. Don't think I ate anything wrong yesterday, unless eating chips (crisps) late at night is the cause of it. Hasn't happened before though. Maybe I've caught some strange disease and am on my way to them pearly gates. Lol. :(

glittermissy @ 9:48 AM + + Permalink

Thursday, June 10, 2004 + Spoilt +

Really really should be in bed now but I'm too awake to sleep. Came back from choir about an hour ago and I've just unpacked my things, tried on my altered uniform (fits great now!) and sorted out a couple of things. Phew!

I'm currently on this course called PPPS - Public Policy Perspectives Seminar. It's a three day affair somewhere in NUS and it takes me 1.5 hours to get there. Today was pretty interesting, quite intense, and definately not my cup of tea. I don't know how I'm going to sit through another two days of policy discussion. It's so not my thing. Listen to music, teach music, write music, read poetry, take photos and write - yes. But public policies? Er.....

Anyway, I'm enjoying my break from school so far even though I still feel like I'm pretty busy. I am looking forward to next week where I'll get a few days to myself to do whatever I want - whether it's to go suitcase hunting or just spending the day in with nice music on, reading a good book and watching dvds. It's just too bad that John's attachment ends just when my holiday ends, and his holiday starts when my term starts. And not long after I'll be away for two weeks on competition with SYC. I'm looking forward to the trip, but it also makes me wish I were going on a trip with John too. I guess we can plan something for December - something nice to look forward to. :)

In general I think I'm feeling happier than I've been in a month or two. I'm just like that, I just need time off now and then to have the space and privacy to breathe, to think.

After choir just now the guys asked if I wanted to go for supper with the other TJ choir people from my batch as Donald's back on summer break from the States. He took up an EDB scholarship and went to the States to do his undergrad. Technically he's graduated but he's going to Princeton to do his Masters. What a smart guy. :) It was nice to spend some time with them, even though John wasn't there. Most of the time I'm there with the choir gang with him as they're his friends first and my friends second. But since joining SYC I guess they're my friends now as well. :) And they're actually very sweet people and are very nice to me. I never used to feel like I could get along that well with the gang in general but over the years seeing how they've stuck together and getting to know a few of them better personally, I feel so glad whenever they try to make me feel included. It's just too bad that one of us isn't going on tour, it would be nice if we all were.

My brain's so chock full of thoughts now that I want to think and write about but it's getting later and later. I haven't sorted out what to wear tomorrow, nor figured a more efficient way of getting to NUS. I'm not feeling so good right now, not even sure if I'll be up to going tomorrow.

Ok, I'm going to stop here and spend some time with my music and my thoughts. I think that's one of the things I miss the most about my time in London - having the luxury of time and space to really think and appreciate all the things I've experienced, seen, read, heard... Aren't I spoilt?

glittermissy @ 1:33 AM + + Permalink

Monday, May 31, 2004 + True? Maybe. +

Took the colour quiz again just for the sake of it. True? You tell me.

Your Existing Situation
Sensitive and understanding but under some strain; needs to unwind in the company of someone close to him.

Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.
Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Needs to feel identified with someone or something and wishes to win support by her charm and amiability. Sentimental and yearns for a romantic tenderness.

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

glittermissy @ 12:43 PM + + Permalink

+ Lost +

Reading through my archives makes me realize what a sad, unhappy person I've become. I sound so fustrated and angry so much of the time. And it scares me how helpless I feel about the way I am now.

Is it me? That I just can't adapt to living with such a system? Or that I'm not good enough to meet the demands of the system? I don't have what it takes to teach in TJ? I'm just not a 'kiasu' and 'kiasi' Singaporean and so I can't get along? I'm not cut out to teach in Singapore? I don't know, I don't know. So much of the time I feel like I keep having to live up to people's demands, especially in school, that I find myself with no time to think of anything but how unhappy I am.

I'm tired of having to watch what I say all the time. I'm tired of having to meet the demands of others. Call it self pity if you want, but what about my needs? What about the time I need to continue growing as a person, as a musician? What about time I need to spend talking to the people who are important to me? I don't seem to be able to fit into any of this.

I often think back to my Uni days in London. I was sad then because I was so far from home, but I was given the space to think, to feel, to grow. I feel so stifled here, as if I've fallen into a pit of quicksand and those who offer one helping hand hold daggers in the other hand.

What can I do for myself? Do I march up and answer back to whatever I don't agree with? That isn't viable, I'd be making life more difficult for myself. Isn't that very sad though, when bosses tell you that they value people who can think, who can innovate, and yet society at large is intolerant of those who cannot conform?

I'm just very confused and very tired. I feel like a shell of whoever I was, whoever I want to be. Sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. In school I act a certain way, with certain people I act in different ways. I seem to be defined by how others perceive me and I act accordingly. If I strip away all the material things that I'm defined by, my music, my engagement ring, my usual way of dressing.. who am I really? I stare at myself in the mirror and try to read my own eyes. And it doesn't surprise me why so few know who I really am, because I don't even know who I am myself.

As Mahler's Adagietto (Symph No. 5) plays in the background, memories of time spent in lectures and reading about him flood my hollow self, images of myself at the Senate House library, buying mochas from the Starbucks across the street from Uni and wandering down the streets of Central London just watching people and places go by... Who am I?

I am lost to the world.

glittermissy @ 12:15 PM + + Permalink

+ Inspiring? +

Seriously I should be in bed by now. I promised my Ensemble students I'll be there throughout the whole camp, but I'm going to go in later tomorrow morning. Slack? Irresponsible? Nope, just taking drastic measures to ensure that the other teacher-in-charge does her job. Apparently last Friday she was on duty from 5pm-8pm, but my students saw her leaving at 5 plus. Huh. To think I went back on Monday night cos she couldn't, and she sneaks off on Friday. Then after that she comes and acts so high and mighty in front of me. And when she realises some mistake or some screw up by some other department in college which affects our camp, what does she do? She SMSes me, "So and So just said our camp blah blah. How?" I fix it of course. Talk about taking initiative. Yes, thank you for taking the initiative to SMS me. Sure, that took a hell lot of effort.

I told her that from 9am to 1pm the students will be using the Auditorium to rehearse and our instructor will be around too, hence it's her duty to get the key to the audi from the OM and ensure things go smoothly. I'm just waiting to see what happens when I do get to school. Would she have slacked off to some corner of the school or left? Hmm.

Okay, I'm not a person who likes to tell people what to do. I don't like giving orders, scolding people or treating others like they're stupid. So when people 'feedback' to me that my students this and that, so and so didn't come for practice, they have bad attitude... I know, I could sit them all down and tell them all off. But it's unfair to those who have been there faithfully and practicing faithfully. So I don't like to do it. Anyway, what do you expect me to do? Be in control of every thing they say, do, think, feel, react? I'm their teacher-in-charge, not their bloody fairy god mother.

Another thing that is pissing me off. The intra Gamma house badminton championships - HOW difficult is it for a student committe to understand that whenever you want to organize an activitiy, I must be around as I'm responsible for you? (Like a bloody fairy god mother!) So when I give you a few options regarding time and venue, STOP BARGAINING WITH ME LIKE I'M THE AUNTIE SELLING GOODS AT THE MARKET. I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE SCHOOL AND HAVE OTHER COMMITMENTS. I'M NOT FREE 24 HOURS A DAY 7 DAYS A WEEK. Take my bloody options and consider them. If we can agree on a time and date, STICK WITH IT. DON'T SMS ME EVERY HALF HOUR TO CHANGE YOUR BLOODY MIND JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK ANOTHER TIMING IS BETTER. IT IS NOT BETTER FOR ME. I HAVE TOLD YOU WHAT IS BETTER FOR ME. AND YOU AGREED. I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL ASSISTANT. I AM NOT YOUR BABY SITTER. I AM ALSO NOT THERE TO FULFILL YOUR EVERY WISH. SO STICK TO THE BLOODY DECISION WE MADE!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it really so hard to understand why I'm so fucking impatient nowadays? I'm seldom this irate when I'm actually in school cos I keep an iron grip on my emotions (otherwise, some people would sure have lots to say. Heck, some people have lots to say regardless what you say or do anyway). And the only time I'm really myself and I can let all these things out is either ranting like a lunatic here on my blog or screaming about them to John, who sometimes scream back cos my reaction is so violent and it gives him a very rude shock - which he definately does not deserve.

The next time I have to fill out a form and it asks for occupation, this is what I'll write - A 'Teacher' who does everything from baby sitting to fairy god mother to 24/7 call girl to the art of diplomacy in the face of people you absolutely DETEST (and teach occasionally). GOOD GRIEF! Inspire and touch young impressionable minds and lives? A closer description would be Inspiring One's Sanity to Greater Heights!

FFS, gimme a break.

glittermissy @ 2:55 AM + + Permalink

Thursday, May 27, 2004 + Photos of the IMH and AP +

Yesterday was the first day of TJC's Sports Carnival, and so there were no lessons all day. In the morning my Chamber Ensemble students and I met to take a photo for the college yearbook. Emily brought her digital camera as well and some of the girls were monkeying around with it. Here are the hilarious results. :) I must say it was a lot of fun and I enjoyed myself.

glittermissy @ 9:04 AM + + Permalink